The Epic Tale of Jocelyn and A Bunch of Dudes
by TheRhombusFellowship
Summary: It's Jocelyn's birthday and all of her old suitors meet up and decide that they're going to have a contest to see who wins her heart once and for all!
1. Chapter 1 The Fellowship of I Heart Joss

_No offense to Mexico or the Spanish language in general. It's an inside joke…anyway…_

_It's that special time of year again! Yes, Jocelyn's birthday! And the guest list is getting pretty extensive…Rafael Nadal, Captain Jack Sparrow, etc. _

_Happy birthday, Jocelyn! I love you even though you went to MEXICO! _

Well, the sun was shining on the lovely place called Rivendell, and everything was going mighty fine in Rivendell, for Rivendell is the place to be, as we all know.

As it happened, they were holding a secret council that day to decide what to do about Jocelyn, The Curliest Wench in All The Land.

There were three different Fellowships there: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Fellowship of the Rhombus, and the Fellowship of I Heart Jocelyn.

The Rhombus Fellowship was comprised of Kalyn, Caitlin, Kearra, and Jocelyn, and the Fellowship of I Heart Jocelyn was made up of all our returning lovers from one of the previous stories: Rafael Nadal and his racket of terror, Prince Caspian of Narnia, Captain Jack Sparrow, and two new members: Edward Cullen, Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, who had joint membership in two separate Fellowships.

The Fellowship of I Heart Jocelyn sat down in the big circly thing where the Councils are always held in Rivendell.

Rafael Nadal sat in Elrond's seat, the most important one.

"San glicka micka mickle farb, fett manna kanna wenck!" he declared, his eyebrows furrowing together like two sexy hamsters of love.

"What?" Edward Cullen asked. "That didn't make any sense."

"He said: We are here to answer the threat of Mexico, the land that took our beloved away." Legolas answered, tearing up a little.

"It's like they always say, 'Cuando en Roma, y encuentra Jocelyn y hacer la mia!', savvy?"

"Hold thy tongue!" Caspian said. "Why utter such Black Speech here?"

"Begging your pardon, Lord Caspian." Sparrow said. "The Black Speech of Mexico might yet be heard in all four corners of the West."

"Um, hello, haven't you ever been to Texas?" Legolas asked.

The other guys shook their heads.

"Los Angeles?"

They shook their heads.

"Well, what about the Laundromat in Glenwood?"

They shook their heads again.

Legolas threw up his hands in despair, hands as wonderful and sensual as the hands of Eros, the Greek god of love.

"That's it! I'm so tired of you guys! I need some stress relief! I'm going to have to go find some mead and pipe weed! You guys suck, this Fellowship sucks, and now, I'm going to go suck!"

"Tella naan?" Rafael asked, disgusted.

"He meant a pipe." Caspian clarified, and Rafael nodded.

"Oh. I get it. Oiky glob!" Rafael said.

"Wait just a minute there, Will Turner!" Jack Sparrow said. "The whole point of this council was too see who got to woo Jocelyn! Which one of us will be the ones, savvy, doing to wooing, in the savvy business of wench wooing, which be needing a good wooing, if you don't mind my saying so, savvy, the one who be the wanting said wooing wants it from which of us. Savvy?"

"What? You just made less sense than Rafa!" Edward Cullen complained.

"What he means is that we have to decide who gets to be with Jocelyn, the Curliest in All the Land!" Caspian said, sighing at the thought of her beauty.

"Aha!" Rafa proclaimed. "Icka van clack!"

"That's a great idea, Rafa! We can all have a contest to see who's more worthy of Jocelyn's affections!" Legolas said.

"Good idea, savvy!" Jack Sparrow proclaimed.

"Yes! Now, we need to have a good place to hold this contest. Like that show Survivor! We should do it somewhere in the wilderness! But, where?" Caspian surmised.

"Dude!" Hurley from LOST walked up.

"Your curls aren't like Jocelyn's." Edward said contemptuously, hate written all over his beautiful vampiric face.

"You dudes can use my island to hold your contest, dudes!"

"Gee, thanks! But why would you just offer the use of your island? Surely there is a loophole of some sort, some sort of catch…?" Legolas wondered aloud.

"Dude, why would I do that? That would be crazier than trapping a bunch of people on an island for years to pick them off one by one until I can decide who would be best to take over my job as the dude in charge of the island, invoke time-travel as a legitimate plot device, and in the end, just make everything a really long, convoluted metaphor for religion!"

"Can't argue with that logic!" Caspian said. "Let's go!"

_Tune in next chapter to find out what happens…if you dare! Mwahahaha! _


	2. Chapter 2 My Life Would Suck WOut You

_Hey, hey, hey! Hope you guys like this chapter!_

So, here's what happened last week, in case you are a hermit or ran away to MEXICO! They all formed a glee club, but Hurley and The Fellowship of I Heart Jocelyn are taking everyone to the island from LOST. Weird. Anyhoo, that's what you missed on GLEE!

[Peppy choir doing scat under the opening dialogue: Ba duh da da duh duh da daaa….Ba duh da da duh da daaaa….Ba da buh da buh da da da ba da buh ba da da da ba da buh da da buh da da da BAH DAH BAH!]

"I can't believe that Middle-earth finally got an airport!" Kearra exclaimed.

"Yeah, it'll come in handy when we need to fly around for our glee club competitions." Caitlin added.

"Arf!" Lily responded, happily wagging her tail, looking cute in the Lea Michele-esque pouf wig and gold show choir dress Caitlin had dressed her in.

"Yes, we'll do great!" Jocelyn said, reclining back in her airplane seat. "How could we not? Our glee club is the best one ever! We've got all the male heroes from various movies, and even Aragorn, son of Arathorn!"

"Don't I know it." Kalyn said, grabbing Aragorn's hand, who smiled at her, his eyes ablaze with the purest of love as he looked at his awesome kind-hearted bride…who was also a superhero.

"It'll be nice to have a break from being queen. It's hard to rule Middle-earth." Kalyn the plane were a bunch of people who belonged to their inter-plotline glee club: The Fellowship of I Heart Jocelyn, The Fellowship of the Ring, The Fellowship Rhombus, Sue Sylvester, Hurley, Gary, Wanda, Eugenia, Petunia, and Junior.

"We're gonna do so good when our plane lands in Los Angeles, Ga-ry!" Wanda trilled happily.

"As long as you don't sing." Gary said, tacking on an extra "Harrumph!" for good measure.

"SHUT UP!" Sue Sylvester said.

[Peppy choir: Dun, dun, dun, Duh!]

Suddenly, the plane hit turbulence and went down…

[Camera zooms in on Jocelyn's closed eye. She opens it, then gets up and looks around. She is in a field of bamboo. Lily looks at her, then runs off.]

"Oh no!" Jocelyn said. "We're on the same island from LOST!"

[Peppy choir: BAH DUH BAH!]

"Would you shut up?" Jocelyn yelled to the peppy disembodied choir.

[Peppy choir: Huh?]

"Shut up, seriously! We're not on Glee! This is clearly a cross between Lord of the Rings and LOST!"

"Not so fast, Curly Q." Sue Sylvester said as she sauntered into the grove of bamboo, her track-suit smeared with blood.

"What's the matter with your head? I can smell cookies wafting from the ovens of the elves that live in your hair." she said to Jocelyn.

"Hey, you already used that line! And why are you covered in blood?"

"I had to kill a wild boar, since I'm the only one who knows how to survive on a deserted island." Sue replied. "That, and Junior got a piece of the fuselage embedded in his side."

"OMG, did you remove it?"

"No. He said it properly expressed his teen angst, and looked cool. I didn't have time to argue with that momma's boy of an acne factory, anyway."

[Peppy choir: BAH-DAH-BAH!]

Jocelyn sighed. This was going to be a long story.

Sue and Jocelyn walked to the beach, where the others had started making camp.

"Oy!" Captain Jack Sparrow said, and staggered over to her. "There's my pretty wench! So glad you survived the plane crash!"

They were interrupted by an awful noise coming from the jungle.

"Oh, no, it's the Black Smoke Monster!" Caitlin said, and the hobbits tried to hide behind her.

"Jesnicnga fghjkltyuhbrjv uin!" Nadal said, terrified.

"Don't worry." Kalyn said. "I can make it a good guy if I ask politely. Remember how I defeated the One Ring?"

"Oh, yeah." Kearra said. "So glad you're here, Kalyn."

"Me too." Kalyn smiled benevolently.

At the sight of her beautiful beaming face, all the scary noises from the jungle stopped, and the black smoke monster came out of the jungle, carrying a tray of tea and pastries for the enjoyment of all.

"Hey, guys! How are you?"

"Dude, you're like, good now?" Hurley asked.

"Yeah. I still hate Jacob, though." he said, as they all started eating his delicious treats.

"Jacob?" Edward exclaimed. "I thought I handled that annoying plot-pusher when I threatened to switch his food from Purina to Alpo!"

Just then, three trolls came onto the beach.

"Look, Mr. Frodo, it's Mr. Bilbo's trolls." Sam said, looking in awe as the meaty creatures sat down on the sand.

"Nobody can have pastries without us." one said.

[Peppy choir: BAH-DAH-BAH!]

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Jocelyn exclaimed. "This is all wrong! There are no trolls in LOST!"

"Things on LOST happen when the writers want them to. It doesn't have to make sense." one of the other trolls said.

Jocelyn sighed and put her head in her hands.

Legolas came over and softly touched her face, caressing it with his sexy Greek god of love hands.

"My dearest Jocelyn, I must be honest with you. We set this up, the other men and I. You see, we are members of a secret society, called the Fellowship of I Heart Jocelyn. We wanted to have a contest for your affections, and this man…"

He pointed at Hurley.

"Volunteered his island as a locale to hold our competition."

"Couldn't you dweebs just have done it back in Rivendell?" Caitlin asked.

"Yeah." Kearra added. "Junior has a piece of the fuselage stuck in his side! We can see his organs!"

"I like it." Junior said. "My girlfriend will write a poem about this once we get rescued."

"_If_ we ever get rescued." Caitlin pointed out, and sat down and started to give herself a pedicure.

"Hey, don't look so down. I know where we can find a bunch of candy bars and giant tubs of ranch dressing."

"I'd stay away from those if I were you." One of the trolls advised, and Hurley frowned.

[Peppy choir: Bah-Dah-Bah!]

"I can't believe you guys staged all this just to see which one of you I liked the most!"

"I agree!" Edward said, looking appalled. "You gentlemen disgust me! It was obvious that Jocelyn loves me."

"Are you kidding?" Jocelyn said. "No one with an IQ over 70 likes you, Edward."

"That's not true! I'm immortal, and I sparkle, and I smell so good!"

"Anyone who likes you is going to grow up and be embarrassed they ever like you in the first place." Jocelyn replied.

"And you're not even really a hero." Kalyn pointed out. "You treat Bella like an abusive husband, you've killed lots of people, and you don't even care that there are other vampires killing people all the time. The Cullens suck. You have awesome powers, and all you do is go to high school over and over. You could stop bad vampires! Instead, you just sit around all day playing vampire Monopoly and waiting around for Bella to have a problem. Where exactly were you guys during the Halocaust, Mr. Good Guy?"

Edward seemed completely taken aback.

"But…but…" his bottom lip began to quiver, and he turned desperately to Kearra.

"Do I dazzle you?" he asked.

"Um…not really." she replied.

"Egads!" he exclaimed, and began asking various people around him the same question with increasing intensity:"Do I dazzle you?"

Finally, he was reduced to tears, and shouted desperately,

"Somebody say I'm pretty! SAY I'M PRETTY!"

"I'm sorry, Edward, but the tribe has spoken." One of the trolls said, and crushed Edward with his mighty fist.

"Well, that rules him out, I suppose." Petunia said, and resumed her knitting.

"Icka van glibe vann dfghjkcvbn bella wella manna lamma lamna ding dong." Rafael Nadal said.

"You've said it, brother!" Caspian declared.

"Said what?" Jocelyn said, wishing she had Tylenol for the massive headache she was acquiring.

"He said, "I feel a song coming on!" Caspian replied.

[Peppy choir: Bah-Dah-Bah!]

"What they mean is," Legolas said, "Is that they want to sing a song for you, to make up for getting you and the rest of your glee club stranded on this island."

They all lined up as one of the trolls played a starting pitch on a flute.

"Guess this means you're sorry

You're standing at my door

Guess this means you take back

All you said before

Like how much you wanted

Anyone but me

Said you'd never come back But here you are again

'Cause we belong together now, yeah

Forever united here somehow, yeah

You got a piece of me And honestly, My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you!

_Stick around, for the next exciting chapter of Jocelyn's incredible birthday fiasco! Review, por favor!_


End file.
